


The Sandalphon harassment chronicles

by AlaMa



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Chocolate, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, Dancing and Singing, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Crack, Handcuffs, Hugging, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Lust, Masochism, Murder, Murder Kink, Pranks, Shoe Kink, Teasing, Torture, at least i like to think i'm funny, close call watersports, ear licking, finger licking, heels to be exact, i can't stress out enough how much of a joke this is, i love sandalphon i swear, listen there's a lot of... Licking at first but it dies down, reader is implied to be female at times but rest is pretty ambiguous, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22792834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlaMa/pseuds/AlaMa
Summary: An overarching epic telling the star-crossing tale between a warrior chosen by fate and an exquisite being.Alternatively: A dork and an idiot's wacky adventures from start to finish, a collection of short stories (that together are pretty damn long) written just for the hell of it, I'm SO sorry in advance.
Relationships: Djeeta/Sandalphon (Granblue Fantasy), Sandalphon (Granblue Fantasy)/Reader
Kudos: 10





	1. Licking noises

**Author's Note:**

> "WHY on actual hell is my brain telling me to write about boot licking. (I said, looking at a certain moron's beautiful boots but not planning on writing anything about him.)  
> give me prompts to write about"  
> "once upon a time there was this guy named sandalphon he liked licking sandals  
> one day during a rate up, he found an old looking sandal, he was curious as to whom owned it, so he licked the sandal to see if it tasted familiar, as he also liked to lick people"  
> And that's how this cursed series came to be, the beginning of the end... By all means, enjoy.

You knelt before him...  
He, sat on a chair inside the void that your blank soul created, looked at your small form curiously, but he voiced no words.  
What could he say, what sounds would escape his angelic form? You were dying to find out, but more importantly, you looked at his legs, beautifully crossed, perfect, long and slender, truly something so marvelous could only be directly created by God.  
Your eyes landed on his feet, nothing could ever describe the joy you felt, it brought tears into your eyes, they had to be the single most gorgeous things the light had ever sent inside your irises, attracted, compelled, you gently put your hands around them and approached, before your face could meet up with the leather, you felt him draw back, you looked up, he had a puzzled look, but you could not tell him what your intentions are, not because you didn't want to, but because all traces of intelligence had long before escaped your mind, you were just a mindless beast and so, you looked back down and caressed his clothed foot with your cheeks, aahh what a beautiful feeling it was.  
He definitely tensed, but he kept silent, after warmly expressing your affection, you stuck your tongue out and traced the top of his boot that you were so carefully holding, at that he almost took his leg out of your hands (the nerve) and glared down at your pathetic little being.  
"What... Are you doing?..."  
A fair question, but a pointless one, what were you supposed to say, was it not obvious enough? You didn't want to answer, words weren't needed right now, just pure, primordial, instinctual love, and so you went back to work, that is, worshiping his boots.  
It's not your fault he wears heels, he brought it upon himself, you were not to blame, what was he thinking? What was his lord thinking?  
You placed your lips at the front of his shoe while tenderly massaging his heels, they might not feel, but you were a gentle lover and had to carefully prepare them for what was to come, and so you planted kisses across the leather, one by one, what an amazing thing, what an amazing feeling, til you reached the object of your obsession, the beautiful heel itself, after you made sure that it understood your carnal desires, you bared your tongue again and enveloped the small piece of... Leather? Wood? What were heels made of? Eh who cares, they're pretty and that's all that matters.  
For a moment you wondered what he was thinking, he didn't bother to talk to you again, but what was he feeling? Was he disgusted? Overjoyed? You sure hoped the second as then you'd get to lick his feet (clothed, you weren't some gross feet fetishist or anything, were you?) every day, and that thought brought out absolute ecstasy inside you, but you hadn't showed his other heel your lustful affection yet, it was still decorating the floor, what a shame, should you tell him to switch legs? Or would you bow down like a dog and lick it as is?  
Hmmmm.  
You were about to do the second, but he, taking notice, pulled away again. (the NERVE)  
"Stop this."  
You looked up, annoyance visible on your face, did he just dare to tell you to stop?  
"It's gross, stop it."  
"But..."  
"I don't understand, why would you ever lick boots?"  
"I, well... You see..."  
"I mean, sandals are obviously superior."  
"... Come again?"  
"Sandals are like... the epitome of shoes, the greatest footwear ever created, no, rather, the greatest creation in general."  
"... Then why the hell do you wear boots? If you like sandals so much?"  
"It's a shame but I look better in boots."  
"That I cannot deny but-"  
"I didn't really have a choice, I had to go for an edgy look."  
"Ah... I see."  
Fair.  
"That reminds me... I had this app somewhere."  
He took out an iPhone (why would he do that? android is obviously superior) and tapped it for a bit, then his face lightened up.  
"Ah, here it is."  
You heard some upbeat music and looked at his screen, on it said "HAPPY SANDALS: GLORIOUS DAYS" and there were a lot of sandals floating in the background.  
After logging in and getting a welcome back daily present, Sandalphon tapped around showing you the various screens.  
"This is a gacha game about sandals, you summon them, feed them, raise them and use them in battles, it's really fun."  
".... Huh?"  
"This is my current team, it's really strong."  
You looked at a grid of sandals of all kinds, truly a game with variation.  
"I see... Heels are better tho."  
"Don't say that, hmm I wonder what's on rate up."  
He tapped on draw and a shiny pair of sandals was on the screen with the words: "humanity's oldest sandals? The God of the sandals descends yet again."  
He stared at it for a bit.  
"This looks familiar."  
"It says again so, I guess it was on rate up before as well."  
"No I mean, really familiar, like I know somebody that wears them."  
"It says humanity's oldest, so probably yet another garbage from Gil's collection."  
"Hmm... I might be able to tell if I lick them."  
".... Huh?"  
Shoving his hands inside the screen, he pulled out the sandals, examined them for a moment and then proceeded to adorn them with his tongue, would almost be a pretty cool sight, except you had a boots kink, not a sandals kink, so it was wasted on you.  
"Yes this taste is definitely familiar, I'm sure i've licked the owner before."  
"... Huh?"  
"But I still can't really tell."  
"I'm telling you it's got to be Gilgamesh."  
"Maybe it is."  
"Oh God you've licked Gilgamesh."  
"I lick everyone I meet, it's kind of my thing."  
"You haven't licked me yet."  
"Yet."  
"Oh lord."  
"But you kinda covered my shoe in your saliva, so I don't know if I want to lick you."  
"Oh don't worry about that! I'll lick the other too, then they'll be equal."  
"No... No don't do that."  
"But why, aren't you a fellow man of culture? You lick sandals."  
"These two are ENTIRELY different things."  
"B.S."  
"Would you lick sandals?"  
"Hell no."  
"See? Different things."  
"Touche, can I lick the other boot now?"  
"No."  
"COME ON NOW THE LEATHER CALLS TO ME!"  
"I'll let you lick it if you put on sandals."  
"Why."  
"So I can lick them."  
"Why are we like this?"  
"It's the author, we gotta kill the author."  
"I'm in."  
"Wait aren't you the author?"  
"What? Noo, I'm just... uhh... I'm... I'm the reader insert."  
"Well isn't that the author?"  
"No, well, yes, as long as the author is the one reading, I change depending on the reader."  
"Well this is being written on real time, so right now the author is definitely you."  
"Oh worm, but when the reader changes and they come to this moment, they'll be confused because they aren't the author yet we're declaring that they are."  
"So there's really no way to kill the author?"  
"I don't know about the author but if you kill me the story will surely end because the reader insert died."  
"But then I'll kill you and every other reader, that's a massacre, I'd rather avoid it."  
"then suck it, primal Beep."  
".... Excuse me?"  
"Oh sorry that was the author, it really wanted to call you that once."  
"........."  
"Sandalphon?"  
"Sorry I feel really molested right now."  
"I mean, you're definitely in the top 10 most quickly abused husbandos."  
"How many days did it take?"  
"0 considering that the author hasn't met you yet."  
".... This sucks, can I leave now?"  
"No sorry this is the void, there's only one way to get out of here."  
"What is it?"  
"For the author to lose interest in your heels."  
".... Oh hell no."  
"Yea I don't think it's any time soon, so might as well get comfy, there's tea here, also fluffy cushions, there's also company, you can speak to the other molested husbandos that haven't escaped the void yet, there are around 3 here right now."  
"What are they like?"  
"Well one is a vampire that eats flesh, a golden idiot, a... Dark magical... Demon... Familiar... Thing, Karna, Karna is decent, and who was the last one...? They probably left since I can't remember."  
"Hey if you're the reader insert how do you know about them?"  
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DO YOU WANT ANY COOKIES?"  
"I WORRY ABOUT IT."  
"WELL SUCK IT please."  
"... Huh?"  
"... Huhuhu >:3"  
"I want to go home."  
"I want you to kick me to death."  
"...H..uh?"  
"Please?"  
"... No?"  
"Pretty please."  
"No."  
"KICK ME!"  
"nO!"  
"DO IT!"  
"NO!"  
"WHY NOT!"  
"WHY YES!"  
"I WANT YOU TO RUIN ME!"  
"YOUR FETISH IS SHOWING!"  
"PLEASE KILL ME!"  
"I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"  
It was just your average day in the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry you had to read this. Tune in next chapter for somewhat better writing and an alternative WMTSB 1 ending.


	2. Ear time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written soon after finishing what makes the sky blue, the second entry to the world's greatest piece of fanfiction second only to "my immortal" takes place right at that hill whose name I can't remember, anyway you're both degenerates on broad daylight and that's why it was meant to be.  
> "when you realize that whispering is an act of speaking, thus meaning you need actual words to be said... HAHA OOPS"  
> "he could be whisperring, whisper whisper whisper. Or whispurr whispurr whispurr"  
> ".. what?"  
> "cat pun"  
> And so that happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes after a heel fetish Sandalphon awoke me an ear fetish like bro stop. This has next to no continuity with the previous one, probably for the best, let's just say that was a dream that you both vaguely remember and your true story begins now... Unless?

Oh worm, you're so awesome, you just saved the world (again), go hero, so there was your super cool group of friends, the Group Mom, the Group Dad, the Hot Dad, the Forced Girl, the Other Girl, the Not Lizard, and 4 angels that I can't bother to come up with names for because they really aren't that interesting, so you have 10 allies by your side  
mind that number: 10  
So you have this guy, Sandalphon, who was just murdered, except not really, for a guy hit by a flying airship he seems pretty fine, good because if his pretty face was harmed you'd cry buckets, THAT would be a worldwide loss, but he's fine, OOF, he's talking but you aren't sure what he's saying, because you're trying too hard to pay attention to his voice, it's a good voice, you approve, you're under the impression that he's saying something over-dramatic, oh he's talking about wanting to be accepted by someone, BOI, you're ready for the job, you open your arms ready to hug the not-as-young-as-he-looks man but he doesn't notice because he's too busy playing the innocent, harmless victim, which he's not, but you let it slide because he's cute (ah you, ah).  
Some of your allies talk about beating him up as payback for what he's done, you turn towards them to cry and plead them to not ruin this beautiful artistic masterpiece of the bishie god but don't have the guts to actually voice it, gladly it doesn't seem like they'll do it immediately and you wonder if that extra angel dude that Sandalphon appears to be very gay for is planning to come by any time soon, such a guy would probably rescue the petty brat from being beaten up to a pulp, also you hope that he's hot, because Raphael and Uriel are really not (unless?), we are in dire need of more bishie angels, CALLING ALL ANGEL MAKERS, CALLING ALL ANGEL MAKERS.  
Anyway, your attention snaps back to Sandalphon who's been talking to you for a while now, and it felt like a boulder fell on your head when he asks to hold your hand.  
Okay okay he asked you for a handshake, but if you see it in a specific way, he asked to hold your hand... Right? RIGHT?  
Your face lit up and you couldn't help but excitedly mutter "Of course!"  
You approached the whiney twink meekly, extended your hand and got a hold of his own.  
You did it, finally, after this long you managed to come in contact with his skin, your skin, and his, finally one, your wildest dreams came true, yes I KNOW there was a whole boot licking session some days ago going on but that was just you x black leather, this time however you came to direct contact and it was so... So...  
Normal.  
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?  
A bit warm and sweaty I dare say, the contrast between his clothed hand and naked fingers was kinda weird, but fingerless gloves will never Not Be Cool, so that was cool.  
You gently massaged his hand without really realizing it and noticed him coming closer, and... Closer? Thump, thump, your heart started running at roughly 10 meters per second and you could swear it sped up more and more each time, he didn't stop until his body almost fell on yours, and leaning in quietly he fully stopped right beside your head.  
Time froze as you felt his tired, hot breath directly on your ear, was this paradise? It probably was considering how there are 5 angels in total right there, aah, right, now everything made sense, you died at some point and now ascended to the holy plain, hurrah.  
Your held hand trembled slightly as your whole being felt like it was on fire and you heard him mutter that your fingers are delicate.  
Oh... Ah, hahah...  
What on earth did this rainbow winged scum just say?  
There's no way he didn't notice the gasp that accidentally escaped you, even if he didn't he probably noticed your accelerated heartbeat, if not that, probably your whole body trembling, or, something, you really weren't exactly normal right now.  
His breathing stopped, and some moments that felt like an eternity later you DID hear a chuckle, his mouth was right there, there's no way you imagined that.  
Maybe maybe you were overreacting, then again you weren't DOING anything so you weren't really reacting, or... Ah whatever.  
You felt his fingers start to move and slowly intertwine with yours, slyly, which was... Good, it wasn't exactly good in the sense that it felt good but it just happening made you feel happy, did this tsun actually accept your affection after all this time? You shyly raised your other hand and used it to look for his free hand, soon enough you found it and almost prayed to some whatever god when you got ahold of it and weren't murdered on the spot for whatever outlandish reason, you never know with final bosses.  
"Are you enjoying this?"  
He finally talked, once again in an extremely low tone so that nobody could hear him... Nobody... Nobody?  
Wait, wasn't there... Other people here?... Oops.  
After whispering something like "mayeb.." as you couldn't decide between "yes" and "maybe" because you were barely functioning to begin with, you glanced on your left, soon enough there was a small crowd of... People that stared at you with expressions not far away from 'o_O'  
You totally forgot about those guys, somehow...  
But then you felt hot wind blowing inside your ear and almost (or not so almost) yelped on the spot in surprise, you turned a bit on your right to see the culprit having a stupid grin on his face and looking at you, visibly pleased, what a punchable face.  
Your hands were suddenly under a lot of pressure as he attempted to come even closer, your chests pressing against each other, he once again whispered "if you want, I can keep doing this."  
You had no idea, should you say something? Your head really couldn't come up with any words, you heard him "mhm"ing in the silence, and then his head came even closer and he, put his lips, on the ear... Did he just, kiss it?  
Huwat?  
WHta?  
Hw?  
"-Aagh?" translation=what?  
There was a low baritone huhuhu right there and by this point you were surprised you hadn't died yet, but probably soon™️  
"whisper~ whisper~ whisper~" - whispering  
"ee-" you wouldn't voice the k, no way  
"nyaaa" - still whispering  
He was just playing around now BUT IT WAS STILL GOOD?  
"oh my..." - some rando in the bg  
"whispurr~"  
THAT'S ENOOOOUGH  
You stepped back, a bit wonky at first and felt him holding you back but, you didn't give up and managed to free your body from his, but you didn't let his hands go, there was no reason for that, so after stepping back, you did the exact opposite and fell on him instead, now he'd see who's boss.  
10 people were still watching in absolute silence and questioning if they should actually leave, but who cares about them.  
You leaned your head in front of his surprised, taken aback face  
"if you're gonna do something..."  
but you weren't about to kiss his mouth, he wasn't your boyfriend or anything  
"at least do it right!"  
You attacked his side instead, giving his ear a big, full lick, now that was fulfilling  
take that, idiot  
"whh-hhaaa?" - composure lost, he now got degraded to a little kitten  
"GET A ROOM..?" - some dude  
but your attack didn't end there, as immediately you begun nibbling his ear from top to bottom mercilessly  
"sh-h sto- stahp th-AAh" reduced to a blushing mess you felt him whimper confused under your skin trying to understand what just happened  
"am I supposed to- not look?" - a confused girl  
"EEEEEH?" - ? shrug  
pushing him down on the ground you fully dominated the poor creature, sitting on top of his damaged body filtering out the voices of your audience  
"Ahh... Agghh mm-"  
You wouldn't let go of either his hands or his ear, instead you attempted to shove your tongue a bit deeper which won you multiple gasping and moaning points, by this point he had no idea why he breathed so heavily, while weakly trying to push you away, just then  
"am I... Interrupting something?"  
Okay THAT voice was unknown  
You turned around to see another pretty angel (FINALLY) look at you two in absolute confusion, but before you could say or do something you felt the being under you squirm even harder (somehow) and make screechy noises, you looked down at him, tears in his eyes, the desperate flustered look he had on oddly reminding you of a maiden just caught in an embarrassing position by her crush, he finally managed to throw you away, get up, dust off his clothes, yell something gibberish-y and run away as fast as possible, the only words you got being something like "never forget this" "revenge" "will see" his voice having fully evolved to a soprano.  
"...." you  
"......" the new bishie  
"..........." everyone else  
"next time... I should go for his face"  
"please don't harass Sandalphon..."  
"too late" way too late  
in the background far far away you could hear the familiar anguished screams of a moron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Oh? You... Read this? What can I say? Congratulations! (Why do u torture yourself this way tho). Tune in next chapter for a lick-free kooky quest post WMTSB II (probably my favorite chapter). Sandalphon is now a part of your crew so you know what that means.


	3. Exploration Gone Wrong Gone Musical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I kinda want to harass that idiot again but I don't know what to do this time"  
> "Crossdress XP Maybe a contest"  
> I don't think anything more needs to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in... An old fictional mass-crossover world, Yuu is from the final fantasy: unlimited anime series, I'd like to recommend it if only it wasn't so bad, but I was a big fan of it.

"An island spoken of in legends has appeared again after hundreds of years in the skydom, please explore it and tell me what you found there."  
That was the request somebody made, and the price was really high, as exploring new islands is very dangerous and you never know what's lurking there, of course you were a brave fellow and decided to take on the quest for the money, what you didn't expect however was-  
"WE'RE FAALLIIIIIIIING!!!"  
For some reason the moment your airship approached the new island, you lost the ability to fly, and you were rocketing at full speed towards certain death...?   
*CRASH*  
... Okay nevermind the crash wasn't that bad, the ship got a bit wrecked but...  
As your crew started checking to see if everything was okay, a boy on a huge bird appeared out of nowhere.  
"Are you all okay?"  
Holding your head from the dizziness and trying to stand straight you watched as some members replied their current situation, but you were the captain here so you had to go and ask.  
"Where are we?"  
"This is the al*hi island, but how did you come here? It's generally impossible to reach without a magical canon."  
a wat?  
"We came with our airship but it seems broken, how can we fix it?"  
"Well that should cost around... 30000 bishie points?"  
must be the local currency  
"Are ruppies not accepted?"  
"Never heard of it, so no."  
H  
"Do you have any idea why our airship stopped floating?"  
"I can make a guess, this island is magical, so perhaps your magic and our magic is incompatible. Oh but if you use up a lot of bishie points you should be able to make your ship fly again, you can do just about anything with bishie points."  
"What's a bishie point?"  
"Obviously it's your current level of pretty boy energy."  
That sounded good.  
"I have some pretty boys here with me, will they suffice?"  
"Sadly that's not how it works, your pretty boys have to be accepted by a broad audience, the more votes they get the more energy they generate."  
"So if I... Make my boys popular, I'll make the ship fly again?"  
"Yep, that sounds about right, the votes of the people will fill a bishiemeter, and using these points you should fix your ship, but judging from the size and damage plus the flying spell, you need a ton of points."  
"Okay so.... How do I do that?"  
"We hold a bishie contest every week, pretty boys go up the stage and showcase their beauty and talents, I suggest you participate in them, the higher you rank the more points you get, tomorrow is the next event."  
"....Saandalphoooooon?"  
"OH HELL NO!" He was listening and knows where this is going.  
"Pleasseee sandyyyy~"  
"Leave me out of this you have other pretty boys to use."  
"But you're the cuteeeest."  
"They said pretty not cute."  
"Actually cuteness does play a huge factor in-"   
"YOU SHUT UP!"  
The boy quickly backed off a bit. "I-If you have more boys on stage you can get more points..."  
"I TOLD YOU TO ZIP IT!"  
"eep-"  
"Now now no need for bloodshed uwu, I have an idea. The pretty guys will stay here and go to that contest whatever as a team, and the rest of the crew will explore the island since that's what we came here to do, when they come back we'll use the points and leave, okay?"  
Some murmurs agreed in the background.  
"I'm NOT doing that." He's not doing that.  
"It's so all of us can escape this island there's no choice."  
"I don't care, the other guys can do it."  
"I'll make you coffee."  
"I'm not that easy to bribe you know."  
"I'll use all the spare points we get to buy you the highest quality of coffee beans."  
"I'm in." He's in.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
That night you invited the boy whose name was Yuu to camp with you so he can give you more information on bishie points and the other stuff, it was just you, he, Sandalphon, Azazel and Grimnir left, you were so proud of your choices, they were all so fine *chef's kiss*.  
"So what more can you tell us about the contest?"  
"Uhh it started as a way to pass the time? And so the local lords have something nice to look at-"  
"Nobody cares about historical stuff." - He was starting to have second thoughts.  
"Um-um... It starts at 8pm every tuesday, on Kazoo city's center, in the Woot corner, every contestant needs a manager, and the max number of allowed contestants is 5, all members are required to dress up for the event, the main contestant has to do something more than posing, the secondary contestants can just sit there and look pretty, pretty much everything is allowed as long as you're not straight-up murdering somebody, but singing is highly recommended because if the boys have a nice voice the bishie points gained are ridiculous, the crowd LOVES pretty voices."  
You nodded in satisfaction, this world sounds like a dreamy land.  
"So I guess we got to decide who's doing the singing."  
You could swear somebody just choked on their food.  
"Azazel can you sing?"  
He looked at you curiously. "I don't know, should I try?"  
"Yeah do that."  
" *ahem*... WAKE ME UP, WAKE ME UP INSIDE, can't wake up WAKE ME UP INSIDE-"  
"STOP, stop..." your ears hurt.  
"No good?"  
"It's... Okay Sandalphon your turn."  
"I'm... not.. sighhh... *ahem* EveRY DaY I gET A LittlE CLosER AnD evERYtHing I'M Made OFF StarTs TO MEl-"  
"Sandalphon."  
"What, no good?"  
"Sandalphon..."  
"Whaaaat."  
"I can tell you're faking it, sing normally please."  
"Gh-.. Can't Grimnir do it first? Maybe he's fine."  
"No coffee for you."  
"STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PET!"  
"Then do what you're supposed to."  
"Grrr... Fine. *ahem* I see the signs but I can't quite make the wooords oout, all I want is to be neaar you but I push you awaaay........ Good?"  
"Oh, decent, Grimnir your turn."  
"Oh... Me? I don't know any songs."  
".... Okay Sandalphon you si-"  
"JUST TEACH THE GUY SOME SONGS!"  
"We can't risk him forgetting the lyrics on stage."  
"Is that what you call your laziness to teach one song? Is that it?"  
"Anyway nice weather today."  
"LISTEN TO ME HEY-"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Wooooah~"  
After completing your registration in Kazoo city's contest, you, Yuu, and your boyband roamed inside the contest building, it was huge and there was a surprising amount of people in it, mostly black and white girls, also tons of accessories and a chocolate fountain.  
"Hey why are these people... Black and white?"  
"Oh that? The printer ran out of paint."  
"...Huh?"  
You found your room and everyone went inside, as time passed you measured the boys to find them fitting clothes, no you didn't use that chance to feel them up, probably, gladly there was free food, while picking everyone's clothes you showcased them proudly, but then Yuu approached you.  
"That's... the main contester's outfit?"  
"Yeah, you don't like it?"   
Surely not black, absolutely not revealing at all.  
"But the main guy can't wear such clothes."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Obviously, he has to wear feminine clothes?"  
"Obviously? That's obvious?" Not that you were complaining.  
"Yeah it's common sense around here."  
"I love this place."  
But now there was another issue, how on earth were you going to convince that idiot to put on a dress? He didn't seem to be listening to the conversation, good.  
You weren't sure what to do, eventually you all returned to your room, you decided to take this chance to go find his outfit, looking at the available dresses... They were all great options, not sure if to go for something he'd look good in or something he'd feel comfortable in, but he'd complain either way so you decided to grab a frilly candy dress.   
There's only one way to make this work, you'd have to reveal it at the last moment.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
20 minutes before the contest starts, you see him put on the other outfit and decide that now is the time... You might die, but at least... At least you saw pretty boys...  
"S-Sandalphooooon?"  
"What."  
"Well.... I didn't know, Yuu told me... That you can't put on this outfit?"  
"Why?"  
"Because the main lead... Must wear a dress? Or a skirt I guess but."  
"A... What?"   
Okay that might not go that awfully.  
"That's what I heard."  
"Okay, wait a minute."  
He left the room... He better not be trying to escape, you considered that and decided to look for him, but he soon came back.  
"I asked the people working here and they say the same thing."  
"I see."  
....  
.......  
....  
"So I picked a dress for you-"  
"No."  
"U-umm.... Your turn is almost here."  
"I'm not, doing that."  
"Yyy... We have to gain as many points as possible to fly the ship again."  
"There has to be another way? If everyone uses points in this godforsaken land, there's got to be other ways to find it instead of stupid contests."  
"But we need a lot of them so we have to come at least second?"  
"I'd rather get stuck here for a while to gather points over THIS."  
"But there's also the crew, do it for them."  
"I'm... I'm the ruler... You know, of the skies? I can't do that."  
You could swear he looks about to tear up.  
"This island isn't part of the skydom so that shouldn't apply here. Besides for the people here, this is completely normal."  
"But..."  
"Pleasssseeee?"  
"Show me the dress."  
You take the dress out of the bag with a little bit of hope.  
"NO!"  
"P-Pleaaase we got so far."  
"No... No."  
"Do it for me?"  
"I... No."  
"For the coffee beans?"  
"No..."  
So it came to this then, no other choice...  
"I'll use... All the quest's reward money... To buy you all the coffee and beans you want."  
"..................."  
He's looking at you, weirdly.  
"...."  
"...."  
.....  
"All of it?"  
"All of it."  
"Including your previous offer's points?"  
"Yes."  
He gave the floor one final glare, grabbed the bag and left for the toilet room.  
You prayed to the coffee god.  
And so his turn came and you saw him meekly, slowly enter the stage, the other 2 guys following him almost giggling but valuing their lives enough to not start laughing, you looked at the crowd wondering if by any chance the rest of the crew was there but gladly for his poor pride that wasn't the case.   
And so he started singing... Somehow, while moving his hand back and forth in a terrible attempt to dance, Azazel was holding an electric guitar that he wasn't actually playing, and Grimnir was hitting some drums he didn't know how to play but just kept hitting them on the song's rhythm.  
Why was he so stuck in this depressing song anyway?  
The people totally loved them so it doesn't matter, they moved their arms around and yelled random stuff, you suddenly saw the bishiemeter Yuu gave you filling up more and more, Sandalphon kept awkwardly swaying left and right and at the last moment did that 'V' thing with his fingers in front of his eye, winning tons of cheering and clapping.  
He stared at everyone for a bit, backed off and left, the others soon following him.  
The bishiemeter said "525300" on it.  
You ignored Sandalphon that might or might not be having a mental crisis in the corner and asked Yuu if these points would be enough.  
"Well... To pay the repair guys, I doubt they'll take more than 30000 points, as for the spell, it should take around 100000?"  
"So we have left... *tries to count*... 300000 something leftover?"  
"Maybe?"  
-whispering- "then why did we try to get this many points? Couldn't we get them in another way?"  
-whispering- " Well the contest was today so I thought it'd be a quick and easy way? You can also get bishie points by greeting people or just walk around in public places if you're cute enough."  
"I see...."   
So that was probably indeed kind of pointless, so you decided to go find people who might have filmed or took photos of this questionable concert, you had to, but secretly.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~epilogue~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
For your poor angel's sanity you decided to keep the dress thing a secret, but if the other guys talked, oh well, by the way he ranked 2nd.  
"Let's go."  
Sandalphon seemed normal.  
"Go where?"  
"Coffee shopping, you owe me all of your points."  
Oh, that was why.  
"O-Okay."  
You did promise him... Wait, did you PROMISE him? Well if you dared deny him now he'd probably kill everyone in this airship and then himself, might as well go along.  
"I can't wait to see what kind of coffee people drink on this island."  
"Haha yeah..." go along, go along...  
He acted like a toddler in a candy shop the whole time, which was refreshing.  
Would be better if he didn't force you to try a bunch of different variations but, he was generous enough to do that which was nice.  
Wait were you on a date? Oh well.  
Soon after that you had to deal with a bunch of people complaining to you about giving all the reward money on a single person, which was a pain, was seeing him sing in a dress really that worth it?.......... Yes? Yes, yes, absolutely.  
And then round 2 of tasting every coffee under the sun happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY LISTEN when I wrote this I didn't know a damn thing about either Azazel or Grimnir and that is why their role is so minor, but I just had to use them because they're beautiful (sobs) and I actually do have and use them in-game, not much has changed since but I know Grimnir a bit more now and..... What a dork I love him.  
> I chose "The Part That Hurts The Most (Is Me)" because when I happened to listen to it I felt the lyrics fitted Sandalphon's case quite a bit.  
> Next and final (probably) chapter is by far the most sane one because it was written with "I will not harass Sandalphon any more" in mind, the long-awaited (not) conclusion to this madness takes place on valentine's day, will these two fools finally find peace?


	4. Will you be my idiot?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time you gave Sandalphon chocolate, he thanked you, the second time he acted all edgy, but thanked you, realizing that he didn't even understand the significance of your actions, you decided to take a bolder approach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all honestly boot licking was less embarrassing than this, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can excuse kinks but I draw the line at romance.  
> I like to think that since Sandalphon hasn't lived in the "modern" world for very long, there are many common knowledge things that he doesn't actually know about (and is too prideful to actually ask, so he stays in the dark for way longer than necessary).

"What an absolute IDIOT!"  
You looked at your chocolate bag, a big bag specially prepared just to dump in all of the little heart-shaped chocolates that you created for one and only reason.  
"Why didn't ANYONE teach him what valentine's day means? Am I supposed to do everything in here? That's just too embarrassing boo... Appreciation yeah right."  
Grabbing the bag you decided to take a different approach.  
And so you went by his room and left a chocolate on his pillow, went by the kitchen and left a chocolate on his coffee beans, and then found the idiot himself.  
"Here you go."  
You opened his hand and put a chocolate in it.  
"What...? You gave me a chocolate already."  
"I know .w."  
"Huh... Okay, thanks I guess."  
He walked away.  
GDI!  
You followed him dancing. Then you both got in the living room.  
"... What? Do you need anything else?"  
"Well yea you see!"  
You held another chocolate in front of him.  
"... How many of those do you got?"  
"A lot owo."  
You showed him the contents of your bag.  
"Why do you have all of these chocolates?"  
"I made them all for you."  
"Wh-? Why??"  
"So that I could chase you around the ship throwing them at you."  
"... HUH?"  
"But then I thought you might not like that and changed my mind."  
"You THOUGHT that?"  
"Yea was I wrong? I don't mind starting to run after you now imeanthat'swhati'vebeendoingthesepast2YEARSPLUSBUTYOU'RETOOGODDAMNDENSETONOTICEBOY!"  
"I... Didn't understand a word of this."  
"Of course you didn't, you dumb sandwich."  
"... Anyway, why don't you just give me all of the chocolates at the same time? Not that I have any need for all of them, but I don't get why you give them one by one."  
"Well I thought.... Aaaa what's the point of telling you? That'll just ruin the surprise."  
"Okay then."  
You silently stared at him chilling around, eventually he left and went to the kitchen.  
"OwO"  
"WHY'S THERE A CHO-...."  
He turned around to look at you.  
"N-No good? Do you hate chocolate?"  
"I don't hate... *sigh* So what, do you plan on giving me all of these things separately?"  
"Well now that I think about it I guess that'll take ages, do you prefer that I throw them at you after all?"  
"No..."  
"Okay uwu. What then?"  
"Can't you just give the bag to me?"  
"But I don't think that's romantic."  
"Romantic? What's that?"  
JFC.  
"Aha... No, sorry but I can't run out of chocolates til you learn the truth."  
"What truth?"  
"About valentine's day."  
"...? What's there to know about it?"  
"Who knows! Hehehe, here, have another one."  
You put a chocolate on his chest.  
"Wh-"  
"I SHALL RETURN."  
You escaped.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
"Singularity is acting weird..."  
"Hahaha, really? Well it's valentine's day after all~"  
In the deck a sandwich and a blue girl could be seen looking at the sky.  
"Well I guess she acts weird ALL the time but now that you mention it, she's been extra weird today..."  
"She was really looking forward to this day, I remember her going all like "aaaaa why isn't it valentine alreadyyy I wanna give chocolate to my idiot angeeel" and then she couldn't sleep at all. So she would run around the kitchen making way more chocolate than necessary."  
"What's up with this? Wait, doesn't she give chocolate to anyone else?"  
"Not that I know of, why?"  
"Isn't that weird?"  
"I don't think so."  
"Huh... I guess I just don't understand mortal anniversaries."  
"Is it that hard to understand?"  
"Well isn't it? You get all worked up over making chocolate and giving it to some random person, to the point where you can't sleep over it? Isn't it weird?"  
"I don't think it's weird, it's for your special someone, of course you get anxious over it."  
"Special? Ah, that appreciation thing? But I don't even think that I'm this useful... Oh is it because I stopped being a threat and joined you? Am I appreciated for that?"  
".... Sandalphon... You really don't understand anything do you?"  
She almost laughed, almost.  
"??? I can't understand anything unless someone explains it, do I look like a God to you?"  
"Well... I don't think I should spoil the fun, you should ask her yourself."  
"...?"  
Even more confused, he returned to his room.  
"MORE CHOCOLATE?"  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
You took one step, then another, then another, it's okay you got this, you stuck out your arms over Sandalphon's shoulders who was back sitting on the couch probably questioning his life choices, as you were holding a chocolate.  
"B-Boop!"  
"Wha?... What are you doing?"  
He turned around, his face too close to yours, you lost your footing and fell down.  
"Wah!"  
Ouchies.  
"You...."  
"Chocolate!"  
You got up and held it in front of his face.  
"You do realize that this is getting ridiculous right?"  
"What no! It's sweet, sweet I tell you! Can't you see with how much care and affection I deliver every single one of them? It's definitely sweet, come on, feel it!"  
"The only thing I'm feeling is a mild annoyance, are you sure you want to enlarge it?"  
"Enlarge it?... Oh you, hoho, perhaps I do?"  
"????"  
"... Okay fine that wasn't funny, why the hell are you THIS dense?"  
"What does dense even mean?"  
"More dense you die bruh."  
"I'm telling you that I don't know what..."  
He looked at your still extended arm, sighed and took the chocolate.  
"Chocolate getto! (★^O^★) Good job, only 83 more to go."  
"... I don't know what to say to you anymore."  
"Tell me: oh captain I love you so much, you're simply the best, I'd die for you captain mwah-mwah *kissing sounds* please bear my children."  
".... What?"  
"Just a suggestion, juuuuust a suggestion."  
He was positively looking like he had seen an alien.  
"I think I can feel my intelligence lowering when I'm talking to you."  
"Weally? Don't wowwy about it. Here, have another."  
You stuck a chocolate between his lips. Surprisingly enough he did eat it.  
"*sigh* At least they taste good."  
"REALLY? :DDDD I'm so glad!"  
He looked so cute by your reaction that it was too much to take thus you ran away.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
It was slow but Sandalphon was starting to get it, only just barely.  
At least that's what he was thinking when he was walking across a hall, and then saw you running up to him blushing.  
"I'M GONNA DO IT, I'M GONNA DO IT!!!"  
He didn't make the effort to move, so you slammed on him, then put your arms around him.  
"Okay, what are you doing this time?"  
"I'm hugging you."  
"... Why?"  
"becauseiloveyousomuchyoustupididiotbakadensemofo"  
"Speak normally, I do not understand moon runes."  
You pulled back and glared at him, then took out another chocolate.  
"Take it!"  
Against all odds he smiled, then took it.  
The sheer amount of dopamine produced by seeing sir depression smile (to you, of all things) was too much to handle, thus you... Yea.  
"Aaa ha :D hue, wwww, w-ww-"  
"? Why did you turn red?"  
"Mmgh! Haha, yea, oh deer."  
"Deer?"  
"DEAR! My dear, the moon is great."  
"What moon?"  
"My moon Aaa-" You covered your face with your hands. "Okay, okay I'm calm, I'm calm, uhm, umm, do you... Do you wanna go somewhere?"  
"Somewhere like?"  
"A date, a date I mean like, going on a walk and, stuff."  
You took a peek from in between your fingers, he seemed normal.  
"... Why not, I guess."  
"WAIT REALLY?"  
"Being here is boring."  
"SCORE (づ✧Д✧)づ WAIT RIGHT HERE."  
You ran away as to go find a fitting outfit, then thought that he way more than probably doesn't care one bit about that and he might change his mind waiting, so you ran back.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
And so you landed on a nearby island.  
"Oh, it's really forest-y."  
"Well wouldn't a forest look like a forest?"  
So you were walking around the... Forest.  
"I guess it would but um........ SANDALPHON!"  
If you didn't manage to confess today either you might as well give up forever.  
"What is it?"  
"I UM, I, I UH... CHOCOLATE."  
BUT BEFORE CONFESSING, CHOCOLATES. BEST EXCUSE.  
You took out another chocolate and gave it to him.  
"... Are you really going to do that til they're all gone?"  
"See me."  
"I don't understand your dedication."  
"That's fine, by this point I don't either."  
"Lyria told me some weird things."  
"Oh? What things?"  
"That you were uhm, really looking forward to this day? And couldn't sleep."  
WHY.  
"Oh? Hihi, how come? Did you ask her about The Truth?"  
"I tried to but she told me to ask you instead."  
"Oooh."  
"But I don't understand, why get so worked up over chocolate delivery? Do you appreciate me this much?"  
"Of course I do! You're like, the best idiot sandwich I've ever had!"  
You went to sit on a rock defeated.  
"Hmm, alright then... So since I understand it now, are we done?"  
You took a chocolate and threw it at him.  
"Ding dong you're wrong."  
"How come?"  
"Okay here's a hint, valentine's day is NOT about appreciation, at least not just that, you can give gifts to those you care about but that's not the main point."  
"Oh?... But Lyria told me something about special persons."  
"Mhm."  
"... I don't get it."  
"It's REALLY not that hard."  
"I don't see in what way I differ from the rest."  
"In many, for one, you're the most dense guy out there."  
"I keep telling you-"  
"You don't know what that is, I know, I know."  
"... I give up, just tell me."  
"... Fine........"  
Oh whatever, he wouldn't murder you, he won't even know what you mean at worst (or best), he... Probably wouldn't murder you, maybe.  
Probably?  
Well you did want him to kick you to death that one time, maybe he'll finally do it.  
You walked up to him with heavy, heavy steps, then held out your bag.  
"I..."  
"...?"  
"I..."  
"... You?"  
" *sigh* Whatever, I love you."  
"... You what?"  
"I said I love you, idiot, idiot!"  
Best confession 100/100 you nailed it.  
You couldn't bear to look at his face so you shoved your own on his chest instead, then hugged him again while at it.  
"Ah.... What do you mean?"  
OH DEAR LORD.  
You let out a muffled scream in his armor-thingie-or-other, then looked up.  
"Ughhh... How am I supposed to explain that? Don't you know what love means?"  
"No I know, I think, somewhat...?"  
"So no? Gotcha, let's see..." You took a step back and put your hands in the air. "It means that I care about you around THIIIIS much, that you're like my favorite person in the world? That I think about you lots and lots and in a borderline unhealthy way, oh I mean a lot not that I have unhealthy thoughts well maybe a bit BUT, AHEM, and you mean the world to me, which is why idgaf on whether you tried to destroy it or not, I'd gladly live in another world with you anyway, so basically, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! And things like that, I might or might not want to bear your children, I mean..."  
You could swear you could see his highly confused face reddening.  
"Like I want to wake up to you every morning! And ruffle your hair and tell you what a good boy you are, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL BY THE WAY? I feel like I have but, anyway, as I was saying um, I wanna murder everyone that dares lay a finger on you and stuff, also if you sleep with an angel primal beast is that bestiality?"  
Oh he was definitely blushing.  
"Um...."  
"Asking for a friend by the way."  
"I don't know..."  
"Ahaha, don't worry about it then."  
"Okay."  
You stared at each other's red face for a while.  
"Also um..."  
"There's more!?"  
"There's always more! Don't underestimate the power of my love I've been harvesting it for YEARS, years that you were too damn dense to notice, whyyy did you ever think that I forgave you on a fly? That I keep repeatedly bumping on you? That I drink coffee with you all the time I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH! There's so much more, ahhh..."  
"Then WHY were you always making me go through weird as hell things?? I thought you were getting a kick out of it!"  
"Oh well I did but it was out of love! Totally, how do I put it? It was just my harmless way of punishing you for all that nonsense you did, you DID ask to get punished right? I didn't want to actually beat you up or lock you in another prison that'd be too much, but crossdressing? Those are quality memories right there! Didn't you have fun? Even one tinsy bit? Waah..."  
You looked down in embarrassment, every word you said just weighted on you more and more, what would he think? Maybe it was time to stop.  
"I... I don't know what to say."  
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything." You looked at the content of your bag. "I just wanted you to accept my chocolate..."  
"Oh, I'll gladly accept it then."  
"R-Really!? Yay, yayyy! Also um, well I was thinking of quitting my bullying as a valentine's day present, I believe you've been punished enough owo."  
"That would honestly be great."  
"Okway oWo tell me if you ever feel like getting really harassed."  
"Haha, alright."  
GFD WHY IS HIS SMILE SO CUTE THAT'S ILLEGAL.  
"Also um- um-" *blushing blushing*  
"Hm?"  
"Can I like, give you a kiss?"  
Yeehaw.  
"A kiss? What's that?"  
YEEHAW.  
"Gh- It's that thing where you put your lips on something and go all mwah-mwah, that."  
"I'm not sure, but go ahead."  
Oh boi.  
You stood up and took a big breath, whatever, that wasn't a big deal, so you leaned in, yeeees he was right there WAIT DON'T FALL, don't fall, don't fa- okay you didn't fall, so you got closer, oh, OH, that's it, his lips are right there, you can do this, oof, theeere.  
Smoochies.  
Congratulations, you have successfully kissed Sandalphon, your reward is just a trembling little sandle, I'd take it if I were you.  
"Oh..."  
"S-So anyway-"  
"I get it now."  
"... NOW you do?"  
"Haha, sorry, guess I'm a bit slow today, though that's your fault."  
"I don't think I literally affect your intelligence."  
"Mhm, are you sure? I'd say you do."  
He leaned in...  
"But tha-"  
And hugged you.  
"a-...... Huwat?"  
"Shhhhhh. Be silent."  
"(゜▽゜;)"  
He stayed there, his head on your shoulder, stroking your back slightly for a while.  
...  
A while.  
Then you remembered that his sense of time is probably way faster than yours and it would likely get dark if you just let him be. Hell maybe next day would come.  
"Um, Sandy?"  
"Thank you."  
"What for?"  
"For loving someone like me."  
"Aww don't say that, I think you're hella neat." *pat pat*  
"I *sigh*" He let you go. "I think you're neat too."  
"(っ ͡ ͡º ω ͡ ͡º ς) oho? Really?"  
"Yea, I don't think I feel all these things you described, but will you let me explore them?"  
"Well I think any normal person wouldn't feel these but by all means explore all you want."  
" :)"  
"(̷ ̷ ̷゜ ̷ ̷ ̷ロ̷ ̷ ̷ ̷゜)̷ "  
"Hm?"  
"HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE JAW-DROPPING ADORABLE!?"  
"No way."  
"YOU AAAAAARE!"

You spent the rest of the week trying to explain to him what a bunch of things meant while smooching him in blankets and feeding him chocolates.  
Good end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What... What kind of alien would actually read THIS WHOLE THING? THANK YOU SO MUCH! If you happened to spot any spelling/grammar errors I'd really appreciate it if you let me know because I miiight have a small obsession with perfection on my uploaded works? But even if you don't that's fine, oh but if you really survived up til now pleeeeaaaase drop me a comment so I'll know that you Really Did Finish This (for some reason.) No I'm totally not trying to boost my ego, me? No way.


	5. AF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps Sandy's weirdest day. I could list an entire conversation of how this thing came to be but where would be the fun in that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA YOU THOUGHT THE PREVIOUS ONE WAS THE END? NICE JOKE... Jk I really intended to end this there, but my friends enable me too much so I ended up writing more... I'm so sorry...  
> This takes place before valentine's day, also for once, the point of view doesn't belong to the cursed gremlin reader.

... Ah, I'm awake. Slowly I opened my eyes and after a little stretching got out of bed.  
Hmm, where's my armor? I was sure I let it in front of my closet, aah I guess I'm still half-asleep, no matter, I'll look for it later, coffee takes priority.  
I took my coffee maker and started heading for the kitchen like every other day, on my way I overheard some people talking.  
"The truth is, I am a lesbian, my parents kicked me out of the house when they found out, I was only 12."  
"Oh man, that's awful..."  
"Yeah, so I had to live at my friends' houses and I felt really bad for being such a burden."  
Huh, I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with... I felt kind of bad for having overheard that person's secret but I guess it's not my fault if she's talking about it in the middle of a corridor.  
I walked in the kitchen not bothering to pay attention to whoever was in it, getting everything ready I started grinding the coffee beans... Ah, weird, are they melting? What's wrong with them? Confused I kept going, was I just imagining things? No wait they're DEFINITELY melting. I had a good look at them, they seemed a little smaller than usual perhaps? They didn't even smell like coffee... I stared at them in horror, what happened? Did they... Go bad? Is that possible? But I only bought them some days ago, no... I finished up making the drink either way, perhaps the taste will tell me what happened.  
Ah this is... It tastes somewhat familiar but I'm not sure... Yeah it's... It's... Oh.  
"Who replaced my coffee beans with chocolate!?"  
I glared at everyone in the room -finally paying attention to them-, they stopped chatting with each other and faced me, Lyria was the only one that replied to me (gladly.)  
"Eh? What are you talking about?"  
"It's exactly what I said."  
"Someone... Replaced coffee beans with chocolate beans?"  
"Yes, I'm certain."  
Did she do it? Is she just playing innocent?  
"Huh, that's a nasty prank but... Maybe they did that to protect you?"  
"What do you mean?"  
I was getting angry, every minute that passed where I didn't have at least my morning coffee was driving me crazy, I didn't want to deal with this.  
"Ah you didn't hear? It's been on the news these last few days, they found out that some criminals have been injecting coffee beans with tiny amounts of poison for few months now, it's a very small dose that's why nobody really noticed until recently."  
"... Eh? Why would they do that?"  
"Perhaps they hate coffee and want to kill off all coffee fans? I don't know... Apparently it takes 5 full months to start showing symptoms."  
"Wait, you mean to tell me that someone, somehow, gets their hands on every single coffee bean sold across multiple islands, poisons it then puts it back? That doesn't sound right."  
"Apparently it's a huge conspiracy, I know it sounds unbelieavable but that's what the news say, unless for some reason they're lying, but why would they lie about something like that?"  
"Well... I don't know. Ah, anyway can you lend me some beans?"  
"Sandalphon! Didn't you hear a word I said? They're poisoned!"  
"Ah... Well I'm fine so it probably doesn't affect me."  
"Hmm... I guess I can lend you some if you insist but don't blame me if your tummy aches."  
"Yeah, yeah, just get on with it."  
She fiddled around with a drawer, then put some in my hands.  
"Here you go, oh by the way, nice mustache, it suits you."  
"Thanks...?"  
Mustache? What is she talking about? Did I grow some facial hair...??? Ah who cares.  
I had to clean my coffee maker first which sucked, but eventually I managed to prepare my drink, which helped me feel better. While making it someone passing by whispered in my ear that coffee is garbage and it took me a lot of self-control to not smash their head in with the machine in my hands, but I didn't want to deal with idiots whining to me after about how murder is wrong, murder is not wrong when people are purposely being a pain, right? Right.  
I walked back to my room, in it was a co-  
a...  
a  
a  
A COW!  
A COW???  
"WHAT THE HELL!?"  
I almost dropped my precious cup.  
"Oh, you're back! Hello~ Nice mustache man."  
Ah, _she_ was there too, right, that explains it. Mustache?  
"I demand an explanation and it better be good."  
"Hm? What are you talking about Sandle?"  
"... You have to ask?"  
"Well obviously I am not a mind-reader I cannot know what's on your mind unless you tell me hon."  
She's definitely, absolutely, surely messing with me and I hate it.  
*sigh* "Why's there a cow in my room, Singularity?"  
"Aaah! So that's what you meant!" I want to punch this person so much "Geez, it's just a cow no need to get so flustered." She affectionately patted the cow.  
I should just open the window and kick her outside already...  
"Answer me."  
"Fiiiine! Hey don't glare at me :< I meant good! Haven't you ever heard that keeping a cow in your room will bring you great luck?"  
"... Huh?"  
"Seriously now!? It's a well-known fact around the skydom, especially where I am from, I actually used to have a cow in my room back home! Well I happened to hear about it again recently and thought, aah I have to bring Sandalphon one, maybe he'll have better days."  
"... Huh."  
"Also it's really cute see? And it can also produce milk for you every day~"  
"I don't need that..."  
I was so... Bewildered, was this person actually serious right now?  
"Really? Well if you really REALLY don't want it, I can take it in my room instead, but why say no to free luck? It has been confirmed to work, you know?"  
"It... has?"  
"Yea! It's something about a cow primal beast."  
"Ah... Um... I don't know..."  
"Well you can keep it for a few days and see how it goes."  
"Alright I guess..."  
Just get out of my room, at least the cow doesn't TALK.  
"Really? Yay! Okay so um, there's actually something that I need to talk to you about tho."  
Get out...  
"What is it?"  
"How do I put this... It's serious, you might want to sit down first."  
"Just say it."  
"Okay! Um, well... I'm pregnant with your child."  
"... You're... What?"  
"Pregnant."  
"Um... Does that mean what I think it does?"  
"That you're gonna be a daddy? Yes."  
Huh? Um. What?  
Huh?  
What?  
Wait, how are children made, again?  
What? Is she saying?  
I feel like I have a... Vague idea but? That doesn't make any sense.  
I felt cold sweat run down my face, what was happening??? There's no way I can raise a kid!  
"... How! How did this happen!? What are you saying!?"  
"How, well, you know, the normal old-fashioned way."  
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT!  
"... When did this happen???"  
"Oh well that's... I raped you that one time you got drunk, you know, that time where there was a drinking party going on? I mean it wouldn't surprise me if you forgot, you were drunk after all."  
... Eh? Wait, I do remember that vaguelly... She did something to me that day? Oh God...  
Hahah... Hah... That's not funny.  
"You did, what?"  
"Yeaaa I'm sorry about that haha. Kinda regret it since but, eeeh, there's no point in lamenting the past, the future is ahead of us, let's shape a happy future! With our child."  
"Get out of my room."  
I'm so sick of this smiley face and this stupid voice and this never-ending stream of nonsense I might just really kick her out of the window if she doesn't leave.  
"B-but Sandalphon! You won't acknowledge your child? It's going to grow up without a father by its side?"  
"I'll think about it, now get out!"  
"F-fine, geez, I'm leaving I'm leaving..."  
She walked outside, FINALLY... A kid, huh...  
"Moo."  
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO EVEN FOCUS WITH A FREAKING COW IN MY ROOM.  
Trying to... Ignore the large animal, I sat on my bed, taking sips as if that would contain my growing anxiety, looking at the floor in front of me suddenly reminded me that I should look for my armor, I looked around the room and didn't see it laying anywhere, so I opened my closet, ah there it wa...  
...  
"Singularity I'm going to murder you sooner or later."  
"Moo."  
In my closet instead of my own clothes, there were creepily over-detailed and flashy dresses, I had a look inside the underwear drawer and these were replaced too, with new ones that had tons and tons of patterns on them, all of the clothes were in fact my size which only pissed me off more, what attention to detail...  
She was just now in my room, there's no way this was anyone but her... Ah but I couldn't find the armor when I woke up, so they must have been switched before that... But who else but her would go out of their way to do something like this?  
Aaah, whatever, whatever, this is crazy, whatever, I'm just going to ignore this... This mess, all of it, cows, babies, whatever... Ahh I need sugar.  
I quickly left for the kitchen again, as I was grabbing a creamy dessert I overheard some other people talking.  
"You see, my family died in a car accident."  
"Oh no that must have been really rough I'm so sorry buddy."  
"Yeah like, it's been a long time but I'm still not really over it."  
What's up with everyone and their sad backstories today, ahhh this isn't good for my own mental health, ignore them, just ignore them, it's not your problem...  
I went out to get some fresh air, trying to focus on what was basically my breakfast.  
Breathing in, I felt a little more relaxed, alas it didn't last long, soon I saw a familiar small red dragon flying towards me fastly.  
"Heeey, Sandalphon!"  
I had a terrible feeling about this.  
"... What do you want?"  
"Oh nice mustache you got there, aah no, no this is really important, you have to hear me out!"  
I put my fingers on my face but didn't feel any hair, what's up with everyone today!?  
"Okay, I'm listening, what is it?"  
"It's about Lucifer, he's been visiting me in my dreams every night for a while now, and he keeps telling me that we should perform a demon summoning ritual!"  
"... Excuse me?"  
I could basically feel my brain shutting down by now.  
"Yes um, things like, you and all of your friends have to summon demons to prevent the upcoming attack of the astrals."  
"There's... No way Lucifer said that."  
"But he did! He words it differently every night but he keeps saying the same thing."  
"Vyrn... I don't know what the hell you're taking that makes you have this dream, but it's got to be a dream, okay? It's a dream, it doesn't mean anything."  
"But- it feels so real! And he even told me to tell you that he said hi."  
"He did?- No, listen, it's a dream, a dream."  
"Huuu, well if you insist... If the astrals attack though, well I warned you."  
"There's no way the astra-"  
Just then I saw Singularity and Lyria run towards the highest part of the ship, calling everyone to pay attention with loud voices.  
"Attention everybody! This is really, really important! Do we have everyone's attention!?"  
They hadn't even announced what the topic was, yet I already wanted to facepalm for some reason, this is either going to be really stupid, or really absurd.  
"Uhm, captain here! We just received a very important message from the knickknack shack! Numerous unknown creatures have been spotted dropping on multiple islands! Aliens are invading us from outer space! I'm sure I don't have to stress out how important that is! But we have to stay calm, we're changing course for the closest island confirmed to have been attacked by aliens, but that will take us quite a few hours so please get ready to fight!"  
... Are the astrals... Actually attacking us? I'm sorry for doubting you Lucifer...  
I had to blink a few times trying to properly register what I just heard, some moments later Singularity approached me.  
"Hey Sandy um, I know this is sudden but you should probably get ready too, I want you in my party to fight the aliens."  
"... No."  
"No?"  
"I'm not taking part in this, I'm out, get someone else."  
"Huh? But you're one of my strongest fighters :( I need you."  
"I don't want to help the one that took advantage of me when I was drunk and now suddenly and forcefully made me a father, don't talk to me at all please."  
"Hey it's not sudden I mean we probably have many months ahead of us to discuss th- okay but it's not time for that right now! You're really going to leave the mother of your child get killed fighting aliens?"  
"... Oh please shut up already! If you need my help THIS much, call me, but for now I'm out."  
"But-"  
I turned around and esca- quickly walked away, nope, nope, this isn't happening, none of this is happening, it's a dream, I'll just go back to sleep then when I wake up again all of this will fade away, nope.  
I slammed my door behind me ready to- OH LORD I FORGOT ABOUT THE COW.  
"Moo."  
"........ Hey."  
Hahh... Hah... Why is it eating my bed covers... Ahhh... This is a joke...  
I threw the covers aside, whatever, it can eat them, I don't care, I laid down and tried to go back to sleep, quite honestly I didn't expect it to work, but it did.  
I'm not sure what it was that I dreamed, but it was painful that's for sure, I came back to the real world when I felt something weirdly warm yet cool rub against my head, I opened my eyes and almost got a heart attack when I saw a cow's head hideously close to mine, licking me. In a hurry I left the bed and run to the bathroom to wash-  
...  
......  
Heh.  
Looking at my reflection in the mirror I finally realized why everyone has been complimenting my non-existent mustache, I indeed had a mustache, a drawn one.  
... I don't even want to kill the one responsible anymore, I just want this to end.  
Sighing I started washing off the ink and saliva, to be honest I liked the cool feel of the water, it was refreshing and made me somewhat forget that trainwreck of a morning, I considered getting in the bath but then I heard the door knocking... Perhaps, perhaps I should pretend to not be in...  
"Sandalphon please open up! The captain is in danger!"  
.............................. Dammit.  
I opened the door... There was Vyrn again, along with Lyria... Yay...  
"What happened?"  
"Well um... You didn't want to come along so, we tried fighting the aliens..."  
Huh?? The aliens REALLY attacked? Wait for how long was I asleep?  
"And then a primal beast attacked her from behind."  
"... Is she alright?"  
"Well she's really weak, can't get out of bed."  
"I see..."  
For some reason that stung.  
"So will you come see her?"  
"Yeah."  
I'm not sure why they looked surprised, and I couldn't bother to think about it, we silently walked up to her room, then knocked and entered.  
"Ooh, San, you came."  
She was laying covered on the bed, only turning her head to face us.  
"So what? Is there something wrong with that?"  
I approached the bed trying to tell how sick she looked, it wasn't very clear.  
"No haha, just surprised."  
"Why? I know that I'm mad at you for doing what you did to me but..."  
"But?"  
Ahh, even I don't know what I'm saying...  
"Well obviously if you're in danger, even I will get worried."  
"Oh? You're worried about me? Thank you!"  
Geez, what a pain, I felt my face heat up in embarrassment...  
"Well you look fine, I guess, so I'm off."  
"Huh? Didn't they tell you?"  
"Tell me what?"  
I heard Vyrn's voice as he approached me.  
"Ahh right well, she was actually attacked by a chair primal beast."  
... CHAIR?  
"And it placed a curse on her, in a few days she's going to turn into a chair!"  
Am I seriously living this right now.  
"Okay... Okay let's just, say that this really happened, why did you come to me?"  
"The primal said that the curse can only be broken if the victim gets a hug from one chosen by the fairies."  
"... Huh?"  
I was getting more and more lost.  
"You have a fairy living under your bed, so you're a chosen one."  
"I... What?"  
"At least that's what the primal said."  
"... Okay."  
I do not have the strength to even think anymore, whatever, whatever.  
"You- you'll help?"  
"Yea, sure, JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!"  
Singularity looked at me with confused, wide eyes as I grabbed and hugged her, is this enough? Will this MADNESS end with this? If so, then this is a very small price to pay.  
I'd do this 100 times more if it meant that this day could go back to normal, I carefully placed her back on the bed and walked back.  
"Is that enough? Is the curse gone now?"  
Everyone just awkwardly looked around, why?  
"W-well! It should be!"  
"Ahaha wow, I feel all better now! Yay!"  
The other 2 clapped their hands with strained, smiling faces.  
"Haha, yay, how nice...!"  
Why did they look so... Odd? Ah whatever, I don't care.  
"Okay, then I'm leaving."  
"Ahhaa okay see you around Sandy..."  
All 3 of them said "happy April Fool's Day", I didn't know what this was supposed to convey, nor did I care enough to ask, so I returned to my room and refused to come out for the rest of the day no matter what, not even for a second cup of coffee.  
It was many hours later, when the sun was starting to dive down that I got yet another knock on my door.  
"Sandalphooon? May I come in?"  
Ah, that was the voice of my beloved abuser.  
"No."  
"W- pleasseee I have to tell you something."  
"I don't care."  
"It's important!"  
Every single important thing that I heard today was a dumpster fire.  
"NO!"  
"Ummm... Do you know what April Fool's day is?"  
"No, I also don't care, leave."  
What's even the point of me having the door closed if she's just gonna say whatever she wants from the other side? At least I didn't have to look at that obnoxious face...  
"Well it's-"  
"I don't care."  
"a day where you pull pranks and say jokes."  
...  
..........  
...................  
I opened the door...  
"..."  
"April fools! Haha..." Faking excitement, she waved her hands around.  
"..."  
"I'm um, I'mmm sorrryy I didn't think that you'd actually believe all of them... Haha..."  
"..."  
"Oh... Oh no you're mad at me... Um..."  
"..."  
"Y-yeah... I mean, I guess they were kinda tasteless jokes after all um... But don't worry you're not a father or anything..."  
"..."  
"Mmmm sorry please don't hurt me..."  
She looked down on the floor apologetically, her fists joined, it seemed as if she was expecting to get hit.  
"Hehe..."  
"... Hm?"  
"Hah, hahahah, fuhahahaha."  
She looked back up at me extremely confused.  
But it was so... It was so...  
"Ahahaha! Ahaha, ahahhaahahaha!!"  
My knees couldn't support me anymore so I fell down.  
"HAHAHA, AHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
"S-Sandalphon are you okay?"  
"Hihihi, aahh, ahahhahah!"  
I know, I know that I'm supposed to get mad, but it was just too... Too relaxing, to know that none of these things actually happened, that everything is alright...  
"Hahah, please, please take that cow back then, eheheh."  
"A-, ah, um, sure."  
She walked inside as I wiped a tear off of my eye, then another from the other eye, ahh, I can't, this is just too funny.  
Ahhh, I'll get you back for this though.  
Soon she came back out trying to control the cow.  
"Well I'll be taking that, then, are you sure you don't want it?"  
"Heh, no, please take it."  
"Okaaay."  
Resting my back on what little wall I could touch, I observed a fool and her(?) cow walk.  
I'll seriously, seriously get you back for this, just wait.

A/N: He didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please save your soul and don't continue because the upcoming ones are genuine madness, for the 43563th time I apologize to Sandalphon he deserves none of this, anyway, in case yall missed licking, it's back...


	6. Choco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's your time to receive a present, but accidents happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where do I even begin with this sin? Listen, it wasn't even my idea okay forgive me, my friends basically forced me to write this, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... This is a joke... Also I keep switching between first and second person because my brain is burned from alternating between stories that use the first and stories that use the second, forgive me.

"So is there anything you want for white day?"  
You, I want you, please tie yourself with a ribbon and become mine, become a permanent resident of my bed, be my body pillow, lovingly whisper my name every morning in my ear as you gently stroke my face to wake me up, bear my goddamn children, or not, marry me-  
"Nah, not really."  
"Hmm, alright then."  
Mmm lay down in an embarrassing position as you look at me with your face red, legs ever so trembling, in a low, panting voice you'll say "master, I can't wait anymore, I need you..." and then I-  
... Oh, Sandalphon left, what did he ask, again? Um... I forgot, oops.  
Oh well, whatever, so where was I? Ah yes, and then I proceeded to-  
__________________________________________________________________________  
"Did you like it?"  
"Yes my love uwu."  
"Tell me that I'm the best."  
"You're the best uwu."  
"Do you really mean that?"  
"Of course, I'm sure that you're the best man in the world."  
"Haha, you're making me blush silly."  
"You're so hot when you're blushing uwu."  
"Oh come on now uwu."  
"Uwu"  
"UWU"  
"uwuwu"  
"uwuwuwu"  
You're kinda hungry.  
Geez just what kinda nonsense are you imagining at 3am... As if THAT would happen...  
Yawning you got up trying to put a stop to the unending stream of lewd thoughts racing through your mind, it was just THAT kind of time, but even if you spent the last 2, what, 3? hours imagining your hot mess of a... Boyfriend? What WAS he to you now? Anyway, that wouldn't stop you from being sleepy, or hungry, you should really sleep though, but you couldn't do it, not when every corner of your mind was aggressively trying to picture what that idiot sandwich would look like if he were to get-  
Focus. FOCUS, DAMMIT, FOCUS ALREADY.  
Oof, zen, yom, as you walked you joined your fingers in a pathetic attempt to meditate and remove all impure thoughts from your mind.  
Nyooooooooooooom............  
Breathing in, you entered the kitchen.  
"Wha!-"  
BREATHING OUT YOU EXITED THE KITCHEN.  
This wasn't happening there's no way this was happening, why...  
Carefully you peeked inside, Sandalphon was there for whatever reason, he noticed you before and was just staring at you.  
Oh- Oh well, whatever, no biggie, you walked inside, your focus was the fridge but before that...  
"What... Are you doing?"  
The object of your lust was glaring at the floor, looking at it you could see a bunch of small... Nuts? Along with a flipped upside down bowl, ah, you did hear a noise when you exited, that was probably it.  
"I'm... Um..."  
You had a look at the stuff he was probably working with, it seemed that he was melting chocolate.  
Silent he bent down and started picking up the fallen nuts, soon you joined him, after finishing he threw them away bitterly.  
"Were you trying to make chocolates?"  
"Well... Yeah."  
"At this unholy hour?"  
He withdrew the pot from the burner disappointed.  
"I thought everyone would be asleep so."  
He gave a big sigh not looking at you in the eyes, right, so that's what was going on.  
"For white day?"  
"Mhm."  
"Well you can still do it, just... Plain chocolates."  
"Meh, I don't know, wouldn't that be boring?"  
"It's chocolate, doesn't really matter, it's good either way."  
He sighed again, seems he's really bothered by this, is it your fault for coming here?  
But even if it is, how could you possibly guess that would happen?  
"I just... Wanted to make you something for once..."  
Damn he doesn't have the right to be this cute, scratching his cheek like that.  
Ah this isn't good, the unwanted thoughts are resurfacing...  
"You don't have to make anything great, even just a drink is fine."  
"I know, but I wanted to, you made so many chocolates just for me, isn't it unfair?"  
Cute, he's cute, ahh he's cute, he's blushing...  
His face is red, huh...  
That looks nice, I want to touch that, I want to...  
I want to lick that.  
Huh.  
Mmm no no that's not right, go away bad thoughts, ahh.  
But it smells like chocolate, it's so nice.  
They do say that chocolate is an aphrodisiac.  
Haha what am I say- thinking?  
Ahhh he looks so pretty.  
Wait isn't it my turn to talk? Why am I getting distracted, I should respond to him.  
"No well, maybe it technically is but it doesn't matter to me, like, you could give me rocks for white day and I'd still be satisfied."  
"That's... It sounds wrong."  
"Okay how about chocolate-coated rocks then."  
"Why would I do that..."  
"Okay how about you covered in chocolate then."  
"Why..."  
"Why not."  
"Stop messing with me, I'm serious."  
"I'm serious too."  
"... Huh?"  
HAAHAA I SAID IT.  
"Whaaat."  
"You seriously want me to give you chocolate rocks?"  
"Mgh, well I seriously wouldn't mind it."  
Whyy did he have to ask about that one aw.  
"... I don't get you, I honestly don't get you."  
"It's not that complicated, I just love everything about you."  
"..." Ah he looked away again, ahh he's covering his mouth with his hand now, ahh, ah, IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT, GEEZ!  
Ghh I want to touch him I want to touch him I want to slam him against a wall haha...  
hah....hah...........eh.  
Like if I were to throw him on the floor and, I don't know, grab all that melted chocolate and pour it on him, and maybe idk, lick it off, would he get mad?  
Oh no I'm sweating just thinking about it, no he probably would get angry, I can't do that, mm but I want to.  
How am I going to make him make these sweet sounds... I need him to...  
"Singularity?"  
If only he could grunt for me a bit, but how could I ever ask him to do that? Even if I do, he probably wouldn't? There's no point, fine, I don't care about the sounds but...  
The more I smell the chocolate the more it drives me crazy, my head is spinning.  
"Hey, answer me."  
"Eh?"  
OH, OH, he was talking to me, I didn't notice, I got lost staring at his eyes, man that must have been uncomfortable for him oops.  
"What's up? You're being weird."  
"HAHA, oh you~ when am I NOT weird?"  
Ppplleeaassee just *sobs* destroy me a little.  
"... Yeah, I guess."  
Read me a bed-time math book and have me fall asleep listening to your voice.  
"Uuum Sandy."  
I WILL. TRY.  
"What is it?"  
"What are you going to do with this melted chocolate."  
"I don't know."  
"You aren't going to throw it away right?"  
"I said I don't know."  
"Then will you give me a different white day present?"  
"Which part of I don't know is so hard for you to understand?"  
Agh, do that, talk down to me, I like that as well, do it more.  
"W-well, since it was meant for me, can you do me a favor?"  
"If I can, why not."  
"Owo hhh mmmghh..."  
"... Riiiiight."  
I'M TRYING OK... DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M TRASH... OR DO THAT!  
"I just, like melted chocolate, more than solid chocolate, maybe."  
"... So you want it as it is now?"  
"Yy es , th at's it..."  
Rubbing my legs with each other, probably looking like I'm jumping, or needing to go to the toilet, I'm surely looking real funny right now.  
"If that's what you want, then I don't care, take it."  
"N-no wwell, kinda, I mean, ummghhhh..."  
"... What, what is it?"  
".. AAH GEEZ WHATEVER JUST BE MY PRESENT!"  
This.. Probably came out a bit louder than intended.  
"... Hm?"  
Shooting all care in the leg, I grabbed the pot and shook it a bit to confirm that the chocolate was still liquid, it wasn't the most liquid thing in the world but it still worked.  
"Give me your hand!"  
"Huh?"  
"Dip your fingers, in here."  
I was shaking so much that I started worrying that I'd drop the freaking pot...  
"... Um, why?"  
"I want you to be my chocolate! You, you! Please, if you want to make a present for me, if you want to do something that I'd like, then, I don't care about nuts or rocks, I want you!"  
Wait.  
That came out a bit wrong... Oh well he's probably too innocent to hear it wrong.  
"Uh... Ummm..."  
"P-p-pweeaaaseee..."  
"Just to be sure, you don't want to actually eat me right?"  
Well, I mean, vore is a thing but.  
"Nah, I just want to eat the chocolate."  
"Okay..."  
He didn't seem very excited about it, but hesitantly he dipped half of his hand inside the chocolate, visibly relaxed to find out that it wasn't way too hot anymore.  
You stared at it in shock because you didn't think that he'd actually DO IT.  
He either doesn't see anything wrong in this, or is a closet pervert, either way it works.  
WELL ANYWAY.  
You weren't sure what to do first, let the pot down? Down where? On the floor? On the stove? Give it to him? Or keep it? But seeing his fingers just in front of you dripping with chocolate made you decide that it DOESN'T MATTER so you kept it. Bending over just a little bit you opened your mouth and covered 2 fingers with it, ah, they were so warm...  
The fingers surrounding them accidentally touched the sides of your mouth, getting chocolate there but it didn't really matter much right, you pulled back and did the same thing to the last fingers on the right, the chocolate really, really tasted so good, as you were awkwardly trying to get the chocolate off his skin with your mouth alone, you looked up to check his expression, he seemed... Puzzled, once again failing to understand your reasoning for wanting to lick him, but at least he didn't seem grossed out, just a bit shy?  
Quickly you pulled back again and attacked the abandoned thumb, damn you wanted to use your hands, you wanted to grab his own, even if it wouldn't actually make anything easier, after sucking on it for a bit you let it go, then had a look at his hand which was now mostly clean from the chocolate, it was so sticky.  
"Okay, more."  
"... More?"  
"Of course, we're going to finish this chocolate."  
"You want to eat all of this... From my hand?"  
"Your skin, well, we can also use the other hand or, something else, if you'd like but, yes."  
He squinted his eyes a bit but didn't bother to say anything, slowly covering his hand with chocolate once more.  
You decided to put the pot on top of the oven on your left, it was close so there's no problem, then immediately took a hold of his wrist and stuck out your tongue, adorning every coated part of his hand with it, man, it just tasted so nice, chocolate is amazing.  
"Mmgh..."  
you slowly applied pressure with your thumbs on the bottom of his palm for no specific reason as you used every single one of his fingers like popsicles one by one, but soon enough you had licked off all of the chocolate again.  
After thinking about it for a bit you took your decision.  
"The other hand now."  
"Okay..."  
He looked more and more confused by the second but he was such a kind soul, repeatedly listening to your wishes anyway. With the abused hand awkwardly hanging, he dipped the clean one in hel- chocolate.  
Before even one drop could get wasted you put your face under it with your tongue out, a few drops fell on your face but soon they'd slide down and you'd get them then. Tenderly you licked the bottom of his hand, as if it was a delicate, fragile thing that could fall apart any moment now, carefully holding it from the sides, you absentmindedly planted a few kisses on top of it, it would almost seem like a sweet scene if hot chocolate, licking actions and visible lust wasn't involved.  
Soon enough you were done again, dammit, it just doesn't last.  
You pouted at him, he let out the smallest of sighs and re-applied the chocolate, it seemed that the pot was slowly starting to empty.  
With a "cute" Aaaah~ you went back to work, again deciding to take them carefully one by one after giving each one of them equal love and care, and a good suck while at it because, WHY NOT, after making sure that your tongue didn't ignore a single spot you gave each one a small kiss as thanks for the sheer pleasure they brought upon your body, ahh, again?  
You looked at the pot, then his hands, then grabbed both of them and put them inside together, seems he gave up on commenting on whatever weird thing you decide to do, ah but you kinda wanted to listen to his voice, why isn't he letting out even a simple "ah"? Doesn't this feel any good for him? At all? Aw.  
... You should change your target, he's sure to respond to _that._  
For now you held both of his hands in front of your face as they were basically begging to be licked (or not), what beautiful, beautiful, gleamy fingers, you made a hungry attempt to put all of them inside your mouth at once but it quickly became obvious that it wasn't possible (what a shame), he was looking at you even weirder than usual but that was alright.  
"Haaah... Mhm."  
After lovingly crossing every part of his skin, making a few wet, sticky sounds in the process, you had to battle a desire to put his hands on the sides of your face, but you contained yourself and didn't act on it, as that would be really, really, really... Messy.  
You were starting to pant a little bit, but it was okay, this would end soon.  
Grabbing the pot you spoke to him again after what felt like a long time.  
"Can I... Pour the rest on your face?"  
"... Wh..."  
"P-pleeeaaaaase? Your flustered face is really beautiful..."  
He tilted his head on the side, opening his mouth trying to question the very concept of your existence but no words managed to come out, eventually he gulped and lowered his head in defeat.  
"Go ahead."  
"Yyaaayyy, thank u Sandy owo you're the best."  
For a moment you saw his body shake in response to the word best, then he raised his head back up with a wavey smile on his face, his blush now more apparent.  
"R-really? I am?"  
... OMFG HE REALLY IS THE TYPE OF GUY THAT ASKS YOU IF YOU LIKED IT AND IF HE'S THE BEST AFTER ALL HUH...  
"Yeye, now can you lay down um, I can't really do that like this."  
He froze for a bit, then after taking a big breath he lowered himself, sitting down and then laying back, eventually he spread himself for you on the floor.  
... How beautiful... Wish he'd do that more often.  
Carefully you put your legs at his sides, making sure to get comfortable as you sat on top of him, you weren't too heavy right?  
"Yooosh, you better close your eyes now~"  
After seeing him take a breath and closing his eyes, you started pouring what little was left of the chocolate on his face, worried in case any of it gets inside his nose, that's okay... Right? You let the pot aside and bent over him with your tongue out, ahhh he looked so, so pretty coated in chocolate, and it felt like all your dreams came true when you came in con-  
*Yawn* "..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"A-... I, um, I, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'll leave you two alone."  
The man that had unknowingly entered the kitchen quickly left.  
"... Um-"  
"AAAAGGHHHH!"  
The being under you started shaking, this felt familiar.  
"Sand-"  
"AAAAAHH! Ah- Ah- AA NNNOOO! THIS IS, THIS ISN'T WHAT ITLOOKSLIKEWAAITT AAAHH!"  
He pretty much threw you away and started running confused left and right, then out of the kitchen.  
"Sandalphon it's... like, 4am, stop yelling..."  
Not that he heard you.  
A lot of people angrily woke up that night. Best white day ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why on actual hell are you still here? I have no words, well, next one SHOULD be the last one... I'd like to think so, and it's by far the craziest one imo, well if you've survived so far you can probably take it, good luck, you've been warned, hey you always wanted to get murdered by Sandy, right? RIGHT!?


	7. SANDALPHON EFFING MURDERS YOU ASMR (not)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's literally just you getting murdered ok it's not that deep. Also this is a good point to remind you that this is a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My parents are probably proud of me.

You had a feeling today is going to be the happiest day of your life  
"Singularity, there's something that I need to tell you"  
"hm? What is it?"  
"I love you"  
today is the happiest day of your life  
"oh you uhm, ah you mean uh... you mean...?"  
"I'm in love with you."  
okay that was more specific  
"Oooh! I get it like um, marriage and stuff...?"  
"yeah"  
OKAY SO THERE ISN'T A MISUNDERSTANDING GOING ON? GOOD!  
"oh, haha, oh, oh, i see"  
"Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that you felt the same way"  
"IT'S THAT OBVIOUS!? I mean, ye, yes, true, that is correct" *cough*  
"Oh hm... Well I expected you to be happier about it"  
"I AM HAPPY! I am, i am it's just- u know i haven't really... registered it yet...?"  
"ah"  
"Is this a prank?"  
"No."  
"Are we sure? Um, w-well I believe you but... Are you suuuure? Maybe you are misunderstanding your feelings, i mean it's me we're talking about here, me, for starters you're like 2000 years older than me don't i look like a baby to you?"  
"Singularity, i love you, but i also want to punch you, please shut up."  
"O-okwwayy..."  
you stared at him blushing, were you a couple now or what? He soon put his hands on your shoulders, leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on your mouth.  
OH OKAY, YOU WERE A COUPLE THEN... Or not, it stiiiiilllll didn't totally mean that? Right...  
"Well then, I'll be waiting for you in my room after midnight."  
WAIT WHAT-  
"O- oh- um, you mean, um, nono I'm probably just getting, ahe- ah, ahead of myse... What for?"  
just gotta be SURE right, misunderstandings aren't fun.  
Lowering his eyelids a little, he gave you one of his best smug smiles.  
"I'll be expecting you, you better not disappoint me."  
"Ah, aaaaaalright..."  
Your eyes had basically popped out as you were watching him leave, did this like, happen? Or were you hallucinating?  
You spent the rest of the day freaking out, in various ways.

After a long session of self-care and a lot of breathing in and out, you finally knocked on his door, and after seeing it open you walked inside.  
"welcome to my fea- my room, how do you feel?"  
"u ask me how i FEEL as if i KNOW, i mean i uh, i feel, so many different things, and they're all put together in a blender, and i'm left with this weird pudding"  
"hmm whatever, i'll take that as a good thing, u wanna drink something?"  
"ah yes um sure"  
he offered you coffee in a wine glass and you almost knee'D him in between his legs, but figuring that he might need that later you restrained yourself  
so sipping on your totally-wine you observed the... Chains? On his bed?  
... WAS HE INTO THIS KINDA THING?  
"Sandy um what are these?..."  
"Oh? Just some handcuffs"  
"J..ust?"  
"Yeah, don't mind them"  
"but... They're on your bed"  
"mhmm"  
"are they just decoration...?"  
"nope"  
"i'm um, concern"  
"haha, what's up? You're scared?"  
"oh no no no i just, isn't it kinda too early for a first time?"  
"hm? You think so? That's a shame, i was really looking forward to using them"  
"whah i didn't say take them away,,,"  
"you'll let me chain you, then?"  
this smile, this darned smile, this "please punch me i'm evil huhu" smile, you'd murder your family just to look at it every day  
"yy aa a sure"  
what might go wrong? Him trying to murder you or something? Pshhhhh  
"mmgh hehe thank you sweetheart"  
he cupped your face and kissed you again, yes, sure, _chains? that ain't nothing, bring on harder stuff, bring a whole tank if you want, i'll take it, i'll take anything for you_  
you let out a yawn, finally feeling relaxed, just thinking about laying in his warm embrace was enough to make you want to sleep on the spot  
"what's this? are you getting bored already?"  
"eh? no that's not it, um"  
or was it?  
"well i see that you've finished your drink, so shall we begin?"  
you did? oh, he was right.  
You trembled as he took the glass for you, ahh what, is this REALLY happening? Are we SURE you didn't misunderstand something, somewhere? There's just no way he's doing what you think he's doing, he very slowly pushed you til you were sitting on the edge of the bed, for some reason thinking about this bed gave you mysterious war flashbacks but you had no idea what actually happened in said flashbacks, they were pretty blurry, huh, weird.  
You wanted to complain, not out of anger, but wasn't he going a bit too fast? right, that's it, he's surely in a hurry, was he this impatient?  
"hhhey Sandy?"  
"hmm?"  
he was delicately pushing your shoulders back so you'd lay on the bed  
"nooot trying to complain or anything, but aren't you supposed to take me on a date first?"  
"that won't be necessary"  
"oof"  
what a man  
managing to make you lie down, he started putting the handcuffs on you  
"don't you trust me?"  
no, you're not exactly the most trustworthy man in the world  
"yyyesss?"  
"that doesn't sound very convincing"  
"i meannn, you ARE tying me up, on your bed, isn't that reasons enough to feel a bit, idk, anxious?"  
"well as long as you're not telling me to not do it, i guess that's enough"  
you yawned again, man laying on the mattress like that, it made you want to fall asleep so much more  
"hey can't we just go to sleep for now and do whatever kinky sadomasochistic stuff you have in mind tomorrow?"  
he had just started working on your right handcuff  
"mhm? is it too late for you?"  
"well it's not exactly that but i do feel sleepy like, mm let's cuddle"  
"alright, i'll cuddle you all you want after we're done"  
DAMN IMPATIENT...  
well he said that, but this bed is really soft mmm... how many chains did he have to... to...  
sleepy...  
...

 _Huuuh, what's happening... I can hear sea waves... My wrists hurt..._  
you opened your eyes and had a look around, it seemed that you were in a very... Peculiar situation, your feet were touching the ground but you couldn't fall down completely, and you didn't recognize the place at all, you were inside a cave? Your wrists were chained? on the wall way above your head and you were hanging from them  
"Sandalphon...?"  
Said twink grandpa that was deeper inside the cave turned around to face you  
"oh, you finally woke up? This took a while"  
"what happened? Where are we? Huh?"  
you were so confused, last thing you remember you were on his bed, this definitely wasn't a bed, dammit, you had a feeling, only bad things can happen on top of that bed  
"you don't need to know, dead people can't make use of information"  
"but i'm alive"  
"you won't be after i'm done with you"  
or... maybe not all that bad  
"oh um, well, i can see the sea"  
"we're close to the ocean, but that's not important, focus on me now"  
you couldn't even begin to describe what you were feeling, but it was powerful, an intense emotion growing stronger and stronger by the second, feeling as if it's going to burst  
he walked up to you and looked at you dead seriously  
"you're as gorgeous as always damn you're so fine"  
"...?"  
"what, i'm focusing on you, look at these sharp ruby eyes ahh i could get sucked in them"  
"i don't... ugh do you even understand the seriousness of the situation!?"  
"no"  
"i'm going to kill you"  
"please do"  
".....???"  
"whaaat"  
"stop messing around!"  
"or what, you'll kill me?"  
"... i'm serious"  
"you're so hot when you're serious"  
"QUIT THAT!"  
"hey it's not MY fault you're so pretty, aww look at you blushing just from that, you're so cute i could just eat you up"  
"how on earth can you say these things when you're KIDNAPPED!"  
"it had always been my dream, for a beautiful prince to steal me away, i didn't expect chains to be involved, nor are you a prince, but we'll make do, can't have everything"  
"you do realize that nobody's going to come and save you?"  
"i guess, but i don't want other people around when i'm with you so that's fine"  
"...fine, you won't be joking as much when you start hurting"  
_hey my wrists already hurt from me hanging like this for so long by being unconscious_  
"see me, oh by the way did you drug my poor excuse of a wine or what? how did i fall asleep so conveniently?"  
"yeah, i put a sleeping drug on it, it took you 4 hours to wake up"  
"OOOH so that's why my wrists hurt so much, makes sense"  
"... that's all you have to say?"  
"well i do have something i want to say but i'm also scared of finding out the answer :("  
"well you're going to die either way"  
"oh you're right, guess i should know so i won't die with regrets, did you lie about being in love with me? like i know some people express their love in weird ways but MAN this is weird, like, really weird"  
"of course i did! As if i could love... love something like THIS!"  
"rude"  
"i hate you actually, i hate you so much it hurts"  
"hey this hurts :^( i know i suck at it but i'm trying my best at taking care of you smh"  
"oh don't even get me started on that, it's a can of worms you don't want to open"  
this gave you familiar bad vibes, you decided to listen to them  
"oh okay, so when are you going to kill me? you're all talk, literally"  
"i didn't plan on killing you immediately, else i'd have killed you in your sleep, i want you to suffer a little first"  
"oh, lame"  
"WHAT'S. LAME?"  
"like u know preparing all this atmosphere and acting like the big bad but actually you're just wasting our time on a beach? chicken, do it, kill me now"  
"what on earth is WRONG with you?"  
"nothing wrong with me, the only wrong thing here is how beautiful you are"  
"??? do you even have a brain?"  
"cut open my head and find out"  
"... i'm so confused, are you just not afraid of me? why are you acting like this?"  
"i don't know man, guess i'm just disappointed, i thought that we were finally together but instead you pull off this nonsense? like i had become emotionally prepared for our sweet sweet love-making, but instead? no? i wake up in the middle of nowhere? about to die? like bruh, can you at least rape me a bit so my preparation wouldn't have been all for nothing?"  
"DO YOU EVEN THINK BEFORE YOU TALK!?"  
"why would i do that lol"  
he let out some sounds similar to crying as he shoved his face in his hands  
"i hate you, i hate you, i hate you so much, why are you like this? why??"  
"idk genetics"  
he pulled out his sword and stabbed it right next to your head  
"listen, i want you to suffer, there's just no point in me killing you if you're going to act like you're on a fun park the whole time"  
"then make me suffer? duh, nobody's stopping you"  
"..."  
"well does that mean that if i don't suffer you'll take me back? because i haven't yet done some things that i-"  
next thing you knew a fist came in contact with your head and slammed it on the sword that was still stabbed on your left, held by his other hand  
"shut up! cease your idiocy!"  
"A-aghh, mm, that hurt~"  
you wanted to rub your cheek but couldn't, what a pain, ahh what a warm feeling  
"..."  
for the first time in a while he smiled, probably proud that he had any control over you  
"well, was that all? no more?"  
quickly you felt a powerful force kicking you in the ribs strongly enough that if you weren't carefully chained on the wall, you'd have flown off all the way to the depths of the cave  
"AAGHHHH- WOah, woah,, ahhh, hhmm..ghhh..."  
"there, satisfied?"  
"mmmnooo, more..."  
"... more?"  
"more, ahh this is so good, please do it again, from the other side maybe?"  
"... WHAT!?"  
"kick me more! I love it, ahh ever since i first saw you, all i wanted was for you to kick and step on me, i can't believe i'm finally living it, ahh this really is the best day of my life"  
"wh...at... ar...e you... say...ing..."  
you could see sweat forming on his face as his hands were trembling in sheer confusion  
"i'm telling you to kick me more! Oh lord, oh lord! Kick me so much that I get pulveri-"  
"SHUT UP!"  
He raised his foot and thrust it right in your belly  
"AAAAGHHH- *cough*"  
"UGH, DIE, DIE, DIE!"  
he kept pulling back and stomping on you again, each blow feeling as if it was ripping apart your skin and messing up your insides, no, there's no way he DIDN'T damage something in there, the pain was impossible to compare to anything else you've felt before, especially the sharpness of his heel, having definitely opened at least one hole somewhere there, ahh, it was, heavenly.  
"MMG- AH, AH, YES, YES, PLEASE KILL ME! DESTROY ME DADDY!"  
tears were streaming down your face but even with your eyes blurry you could see the absolute terror in his expression, it was priceless  
"What... Is... Wrong with you..."  
he withdrew his sword stepping back and took some deep breaths, ah, you could indeed see blood on his heel, how nice, this was the proof of your love  
turning around he walked away, back to where he was sitting before when you woke up  
"hey.. *pant* where are you going? Won't you kill me?"  
"leave me alone, you're just, creepy, i'm going to leave you like that, and if you don't die by tonight, i'll kill you then"  
what? so he's not going to trample over your damaged body as you're laying down on the dirt? He's not going to squash you like a bug? He's not going to...  
"Huh!? Wait! Won't you crush me under your heavenly heels!?"  
"PLEASE _PLEASE SHUT UP!!!"_  
this was so sad, so depressing, now this, THIS was torture, you tried talking to him a few more times later but he just ignored you, ahh and your guts are screaming in pain, but it wasn't fun if he wasn't there to hit you more  
how many hours passed?  
"Sandalphooooon, i'm thirstyyyyy"  
at first he didn't react, but after a little while he got up and approached you just a little  
"how long can humans survive without water? I recall not that long"  
"mm 2 days i think?"  
"ah, that's indeed very short"  
"indeed haha and i don't think that even one full day without it is very fun so want to ummm like, give me some wotah?"  
"why should i work to keep you alive when i want to kill you?"  
"oh, true but, well you're not killing me right now, so i'm just going to be a pain to you and keep whining about being thirsty if you don't give me any"  
"the only water around here is sea water"  
"then go buy me some water GOSH what do you have these wings for?"  
he seemed to be in thought for a moment, then he gave you the good ol' bastard™️ smile  
"so you want water?"  
"isn't that what i've been saying?"  
"hmm, i heard before that urine is mostly water and can be consumed as such"  
where on earth did he hear that?  
"well due to technical difficulties i cannot drink my pee dude"  
you moved your wrists to emphasize your position  
he just approached you more, more, way more, he was standing just inches away now, with how you had given up on standing, he was way more above you than usual  
"i never said that you should drink yours, here, i'm generous, you can have mine"  
huh? what? um, what? why is he putting his hand down there huh? uhm? what? wait isn't this? where are the censors, quick, censor- wait this is text, i guess that's not needed  
"wait- waIT, oh, oh, oh gawd, Sandy, are you serious!?"  
" 'course i am, you don't want it?"  
he let out a chuckle as he approached your lips even more, almost touching them  
"omg i'm so, so happy! yes! give it to me! i never thought i could get this happy in my life, omg, god exists and he's blessing me!"  
he stopped moving as he stared at you, feeling as if his very soul had left his body  
"... excuse me?"  
"come on! come closer, ahh come, i want your not-pp-milk!"  
"my... what?"  
was he trembling?  
"if the other thing is called pp milk, but this is pee, then that makes it no-milk, how about orange juice? pp orange juice, hey, weren't you going to give it to me? why are you backing off? SANDY, COME BAC- SANDY STOP RUNNING, SANDY GIVE ME MY ORANGE JUICE!!!!"

You did not drink the orange juice.

So how much time had passed in total ever since you woke up? looking at the sun's placement, it must be afternoon, eventually the idiot angel came back, honestly WHAT was all this? it felt more like you were the one torturing him over him torturing you, lame  
standing right in front of you, he summoned his 4 purple hovering swords, and they were all pointing at you, ahh, what a beautiful sight  
"playtime's over"  
you could feel a blush forming on your face as you looked at the swords in ecstasy  
"oooh? you're gonna penetrate me with all of these? how rooouuugh~"  
this time he didn't falter at your questionable wording  
with a determined motion he launched all 4 swords on your body, one of them stabbed you on your thigh, one on your side, and the top two on your arms, carefully as to not chop them off  
"GGYYAAHH!!! AAAHHHGGHHHH!!! AAAAghHHH!-..."  
you felt light-headed, the pain was so intense that you could pass out any moment now, the pain, the PAIN, all swords had completely penetrated you, having stabbed the wall behind you, keeping you in place, and if the pain on your side was anything to go by, you were indeed going to die soon, ah, what a beautiful way to die...  
he stared amused at your reaction, then using the sword in his hand he gently traced the skin on your face  
"well? are you in pain yet? does it hurt?"  
"it hurts, so much, it hurts, ahhh, it hurts..."  
drool started running from your mouth  
"i'm glad to hear that, not in the mood to make jokes anymore are we? hm?"  
"mmghhh... it hurts... ahh, Sandy, i love it, aren't you going to crush me after all?... I want you to grind me like your coffee beans, free me from these chains and... kick me to the ground like the-"  
"ENOUGH!"  
he made the sword stabbing your left hand disappear, which somehow made it hurt even more, then he undid the chain, freeing your hand only for a moment before he took a hold of it, sword in the other hand, he looked at your hand looking more and more insane  
"ahaha... what's up? why are you holding- my ghh hand like that? will you chop it off?"  
"no, i have a better idea"  
putting the sword against your thumb, he instantly sliced it off, making your whole body tense, it was done fast but even still you felt it, you felt the blade force itself into your skin, enveloping it, dominating it  
"AH..."  
this time he didn't bother to judge your reaction or talk to you, instead moving on and slicing off every single other finger  
by this point you'd die from blood loss before he kills you directly  
you were breathing heavily and crying again, it hurt way too much, but, but, blades are so cool, this was so cool, he was so cool...  
he turned around to look at you with a very dark look, it said a lot about his intentions  
"i can kill you now, and i can kill you after one more thing, what will you choose? will you cling to life for a few more moments of pain, or will you end it now?"  
"ahhaha, Sandy... *pant* ruin me as much as possible, destroy me, tear me apart haa..."  
he could never understand, he could never even imagine just what you were feeling all this time, what was he thinking? why did he think that you were looking at him like that? the drool? the blush? the heavy breathing? the eyes full of tears that looked at something so precious to them? if he thought they were caused by pain, he couldn't be any more wrong  
completely oblivious to your elated state, he grasped your wrist so tightly it felt like it would fall apart, and with his other hand he seized the mutilated hand just above it, with a hideous amount of strength he started spinning it, it didn't take long before he succeeded in turning it around, breaking your wrist in the process  
"WWAAGGHHH!!! AHHH, AA- AAAHHHHHHhhh...."  
yes, it was worth it to stay alive for just a little while longer  
just why? why was he causing you so much pain? you couldn't figure it out, but you were grateful all the same, this is the most attention he's given you ever  
"let me guess, you liked that?"  
"ahha *sobs* what can i say... it was hot"  
"... i don't get it, whatever, at the very least, i can see that you're in pain"  
"oh y-eahh that's for sure"  
"are you ready to die, then?"  
"yes daddy bring it on"  
you couldn't help your tongue sticking out as he held his sword against your neck, firmly pushing it in, his long, hard thing boldly entering your bod-

 **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"**  
I almost fell out of the bed, there was no way I could explain the terror, the sheer terror, the disgust that I felt, every part of my body was drenched in cold sweat, what was that? What WAS that? This... This dream, THIS FREAKY **NIGHTMARE!!???**  
"Sandalphon?? Why are you yelling? What happened?"  
Beside me was Singularity, I was so glad, so glad, this is the normal Singularity, not this, this FREAK this... Thing, ah finally I'm free from this nightmare, I was so glad that I collapsed sighing, slowly tugging at her arm.  
"I had a nightmare..."  
"Again? Geez, what was it?"  
"It was... I don't even want to recall that, it was seriously revolting..."  
"I'm sad to hear it :("  
"At least now that I woke up I'm free from it, still wish I didn't have to stay asleep til the very end of it, would it have killed me to wake up earlier..."  
Lovingly she patted my hair, yeah, I felt better now...  
"Awww, well if it makes you feel any better, I had a great dream."  
"Really? What was it about?"  
"Hehe, it's a secret, it was a dream about you."  
Me...? That reminds me, didn't we once have the same dream? Before we met... There's no way... Right? This sweet, caring (and a bit annoying) person, wouldn't find a dream like that great right? Yeah, I don't think so.  
"Tell me."  
"Nooo, that's embarrassing~"  
Why is it embarrassing why please don't tell me... Nah... Surely I'm just, just, trying to connect the dots to unrelated things, she probably had some teeth-rotting romantic dream, yeah, that's probably it... RIGHT!?  
I wanted to ask her if the dream involved murder, but I was too scared to find out the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* I don't know what to say anymore, how can I ever excuse this mess? It's all my friends' fault, they keep encouraging me and giving me ideas, please direct all your complains to them I'm innocent.  
> Okay no I just wanted to write a story where I get murdered I just couldn't pick between it being serious or crack and then friend1 told me to go with crack so here it is, yay. I can't promise that this is the end... I wish I could, wish I could...  
> The pp part still haunts me why did I ever think writing that sentence was a good idea??? *shivers*  
> Ah and the bed flashback thing is a reference to a different story I wrote about them, "This is a story for the evening", check it out if you can stand non-con maybe...? That one isn't crack though, oops.


End file.
